Dad, can you put my shoes on?
I don't think they'll fit me.
What do ghosts call their true love?
Their ghoul-friend
How do the trees get on the internet?
They log on.
Lady: How do I spread love in this cruel world?
Random Dude: [...💘]
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
Why is peter pan always flying?
Because he neverlands
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling!
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
To make ends meat.
What time is it?
I don't know... it keeps changing.
What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
Don't look I'm changing!
What do you call someone with no nose?
Nobody knows.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
Lack of concentration.
What did the say to the ?
Nice belt.
What animal is always at a game of cricket?
A bat.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What do you call a girl between two posts?
Annette.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
What do you do on a remote island?
Try and find the TV island it belongs to.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint.
I Got Hit In the Head By A Soda Can, But It Didn't Hurt That Much...
It was a soft drink.
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam.
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
Never mind...it's tearable
What did the big flower say to the littler flower?
Hi, bud!
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.
Why can't your nose be inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Why does Superman get invited to dinners?
Because he is a Supperhero.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna"fish!
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
What do you do when you see a space man?
Park your car, man.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
Where do rabbits go after they get married?
On a bunny-moon.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?
A fowl smell!
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France?
they were cooked in Greece
Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?
It reads "Small medium at large."
A termite walks into a bar and says...
'Where is the bar tended?'
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to feet?
But most just have .
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
Where do you learn to make banana splits?
At sundae school.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What kind of magic do cows believe in?
MOODOO.
What cheese can never be yours?
Nacho cheese.
What is this movie about?
It is about hours long.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
Cool Ranch!
What do you get hanging from Apple trees?
Sore arms.
How do you steal a coat?
You jacket.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
What kind of award did the dentist receive?
A little plaque.
Why did the opera singer go sailing?
They wanted to hit the high Cs.
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
WI Couldn't Get A Reservation At The Library...
They were fully booked.
Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?
Neither did he.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"
Pop,goes the weasel.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
How do hens stay fit?
They always egg-cercise!
How much does a hipster weigh?
An instagram.
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop!
What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher?
They can't control their pupils.
Why do choirs keep buckets handy?
So they can carry their tune
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?
To prove that he was framed!
What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?
She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, no hands!
What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!
What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?
Pasta la vista, baby!
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
Why didn’t the orange win the race?
It ran out of juice.
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds.
Can I watch the TV?
Yes, but don’t turn it on.
If you boil a clown...
Do you get a laughing stock?
Ever wondered why bees hum?
It's because they don't know the words.
I dropped a pear in my car this morning.
You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill
What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowtain.
Where does batman go to the bathroom?
The batroom.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel!
Who did the wizard marry?
His ghoul-friend
What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password?
forest
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
You will see one later and one in a while.
Why are mummys scared of vacation?
They're afraid to unwind.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
Ten-tickles!
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
Why did the cookie cry?
It was feeling crumby.
Want to hear a chimney joke?
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
Want to hear a joke about construction?
Nah, I'm still working on it.
Where’s the bin?
I haven’t been anywhere!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's ok, he woke up.
A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...
I'm sorry, we don't serve food here
Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?
He just took it in stride
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Hey, dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut.
How do you organize an outer space party?
You planet
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
What does a female snake use for support?
A co-Bra!
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.
What was a more important invention than the first telephone?
The second one.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño face.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?
Talonted!
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted!
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity...
It's impossible to put down
What do you call sad coffee?
Despresso.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken.
What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?
I’ll ketch up
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
What's black and white and read all over?
The newspaper.
What do you call a group of disorganized cats?
A cat-tastrophe.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice?
A Popsicle.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling!
What’s Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
Dollars.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
How does a French skeleton say hello?
Bone-jour.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there?
European
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.
Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day...
He loves his pot.
What kind of shoes does a thief wear?
Sneakers
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket.
What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?
A metro-gnome
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An in-vest-igator!
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees?
They're really good at it.
Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?
Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.
Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
Because he had a vowel movement.
What is a tornado's favorite game to play?
Twister!
Why can't you use "Beef stew"as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Why did the chicken get a penalty?
For fowl play.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What do I look like?
A JOKE MACHINE!?
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
How does a train eat?
It goes chew, chew
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
Did You Hear The Story About The Cheese That Saved The World?
It was legend dairy.
How do locomotives know where they're going?
Lots of training
How are false teeth like stars?
They come out at night!
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot.
What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?
A Fermilabrador Retriever.
Why does it take longer to get from st to nd base, than it does to get from nd to rd base?
Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why do bears have hairy coats?
Fur protection.
What did the Red light say to the Green light?
Don't look at me I'm changing!
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!
What do you call a duck that gets all A's?
A wise quacker.
What did the pirate say on his th birthday?
Aye Matey!
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
What did the dog say to the two trees?
Bark bark.
Why can't bicycles stand on their own?
They are two tired
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
Well...
That’s a deep subject.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?
They had a reptile dysfunction.
What's Forrest Gump's password?
Forrest
What do you call a singing Laptop
A Dell
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
How do you make a hankie dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
What do you give to a lemon in need?
Lemonaid.
Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Why did the melons plan a big wedding?
Because they cantaloupe!
Where did you learn to make ice cream?
Sunday school.
Why did the tree go to the dentist?
It needed a root canal.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?
Bison.
What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A milk shake!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw
Never take advice from electrons.
They are always negative.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
I Started A New Business Making Yachts In My Attic This Year...
The sails are going through the roof.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
They always get stuck at "C".
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath!
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?
Billy Jeans!
What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler?
A poutine.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
Boo jeans.
Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships?
So they could Scandinavian.
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie on it.
Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?
She was a roman catholic.
Bad at golf?
Join the club.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
Did you know that protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were catholic.
Where do bees go to the bathroom?
The BP station.
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About miles.
How does a dyslexic poet write?
Inverse.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom!
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
How many seconds are in a year?
. January nd, February nd, March nd, April nd.... etc
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
What do you call two barracuda fish?
A Pairacuda!
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts.
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Have you heard of the band MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahahaha.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?
Guilty
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...
Does that make you an iWitness?
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
or ? ... or ?
What do you call cheese by itself?
Provolone.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
Why did the belt go to prison?
He held up a pair of pants!
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
What kind of music do planets listen to?
Nep-tunes.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Want to hear my pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?
Because it was rated arrr!
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...
What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?
Lil Caesars
What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it
Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
A stega-snore-us.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!
Where do young cows eat lunch?
In the calf-ateria.
What biscuit does a short person like?
Shortbread.
What is the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels
When do doctors get angry?
When they run out of patients.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Why didn't the number get into the nightclub?
Because he is square.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse
What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe?
Narnia business!
What is the hardest part about sky diving?
The ground.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrr!
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
R detour.
What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Where do hamburgers go to dance?
The meat-ball.
Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders?
To hold his pants up.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library, it’s got the most stories!
What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Why did the half blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
What did one snowman say to the other snow man?
Do you smell carrot?
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
I Can't Tell If I Like This Blender...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
Did You Watch The New Comic Book Movie?
It was very graphic!
Don't look at the eclipse through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
An ion!
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Damn!
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man.
Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?
Because it's indivisible.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
Is there a hole in your shoe?
No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
An Orca-stra.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Grrrrrainnnnnssss.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog?
Somebody told him to get a long little doggy.